rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
