the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
