is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
