Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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