Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
