Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
being pregnant is like rehab
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
