That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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