So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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