Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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