Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
