How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
