I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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