a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
