Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
