Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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