two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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