I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
