yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
