I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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