I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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