My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
