woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
