When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
