There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
