I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
