On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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