If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
