My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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