Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
