Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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