I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
