I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
