It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
