Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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