i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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