yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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