why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
