This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
