just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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