It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
