If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
