i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
