I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
