girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
