I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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