sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
