State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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