U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
