Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
