dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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