also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
