when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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