I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
