omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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