I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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