my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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