Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
