yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
