i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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