sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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